Gossip Girl On Blast

I am more sorry than you know that I happened to be eating my lunch when I saw this picture.

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 12:22:35 -0500

I am more sorry than you know that I happened to be eating my lunch when I saw this picture.

"Things are going to get hard. It’s called LYFE."

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 17:00:42 -0500

“Things are going to get hard. It’s called LYFE.”

- Myself, just now, giving myself some tough love.

Miss Manners on Murder

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 12:44:05 -0500

Ever since my ex-boyfriend slash stalker slash aspiring serial killer has reinserted himself into my lyfe, I’ve felt the need to add the following caveat whenever I make plans: “If I’m not dead.”

For example, “Yes! I’d love to go to dinner with you at Chez Pierre on Thursday, if I’m not dead.”

Or, “Oh, sorry. I can’t go to the movies with you Saturday night because I already have plans to go to a lounge, if I’m not dead.”

Always a stickler for etiquette, I would just die if one of my companions thought I had stood them up.

Scenes From My Office, Act Two

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 14:58:20 -0500

Stage lights rise. Dumbledore sits behind a desk covered in balled-up tissues, coughing loudly. Various half-empty bottles containing cold remedies are on the ledge behind him. He takes a tissue out of the box and forcefully blows his nose.
GossipGirlOnBlast enters stage right, holding a piece of paper.
Me: Here you go, Dumbledore.
Dumbledore: (murmuring) Thank you.
Dumbledore lurches over his desk in a coughing fit that lasts several seconds. GossipGirlOnBlast removes a pair of latex gloves from her back pocket and puts them on.
Me: Now, may I have that paper back please.
Dumbledore looks up at GossipGirlOnBlast with surprised, bloodshot eyes.
Dumbledore: Why?
Me: That's Voldemort's copy.
Dumbeldore smiles weakly and hands GossipGirlOnBlast the piece of paper. GossipGirlOnBlast exits stage right, skipping.
Dumbledore: God speed, my child. God speed.

Scenes From My Office, Act One

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 13:56:33 -0500

Voldemort enters stage left, enveloped by a black mist. Swirling his cape and throwing it over his right shoulder he speaks...
Voldemort: You're taking way too long on this project! This isn't some intellectual exercise that you can just take your time with to explore!
GossipGirlOnBlast raises her head and looks at Voldemort, petulantly. She lifts her teacup off of its saucer, takes a sip, and replaces it.
Me: I understand. And you have my assurances that I have absolutely no intellectual curiosity about this project whatsoever.
Voldemort: -_____________-
Voldemort exits stage left, glowing red eyes just visible through the black mist.

You Guise..."Totes Amazeballs" cereal is now a reality!

Thu, 23 Feb 2012 15:23:01 -0500

You Guise..."Totes Amazeballs" cereal is now a reality!:

I CANT!…wait to dig in my spoon. Oink.

Chats with Fwendz: There's a vaccine for that

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:37:36 -0500

Akon: I just found out that theres a new STD out there that everyone's catching :(
Me: Aids?
Akon: No it's called feelings
Me: ROROROR
Me: Good thing I got inoculated

Chats with Fwendz: Motherhood is the new prostitution

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 14:33:21 -0500

Me: shit motherfucker fuck SHIT. that creepy old guy just invited himself to my dinner party
Jorge: i thought that was the guy you wanted to have babies with
Me: bish the only person i want to have babies with is prince harry
Me: or really any prince
Me: even the artist formerly known as prince would be acceptable
Jorge: the fresh prince of bel air?
Me: hell yes
Me: his kids are super talented
Me: $$$ MUNNIE $$$

You picked the wrong time to walk into my office.

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 16:09:00 -0500

Me (on phone): … And I was all like, ‘Don’t MAKE me stab the shit out of you, bitch!’

Voldemort:

yourmomisclubbin: your mom refused to go out yesterday to...

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 13:24:30 -0500

yourmomisclubbin:

your mom refused to go out yesterday to celebrate sidechick day. like the true classy lady she is, she saved her best dress for a day where her new boo could express his devotion and admiration over a glass of champagne.

these are the lessons learned through observation. you should thank her for setting such a good example.

This BITCH stole my Valentine’s Day swag!

You know you've been watching too much Ghost Adventures when...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:58:22 -0500

You freak out as soon as you see three marks on your shoulder and think a demon just marked you with the sign of the trinity!!!…

And then you realize it’s just an imprint from the seaming on the inside of your sweatshirt.

TEAM KENYA!

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 20:01:06 -0500

My prediction for the winna! Get ‘em gurr.

Long Live McQueen. RIP Lee.

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:51:36 -0500

Long Live McQueen.

RIP Lee.

urhajos: Stefano Bonazzi And this was taken the moment right...

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:41:49 -0500

urhajos:

Stefano Bonazzi

And this was taken the moment right after my head exploded.

DONE.

Lord hear my prayer.

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:27:43 -0500

Please don’t make me kill any one of these people today.

Thank you, Jesus.

XOXO,

GossipGirlOnBlast

Online dating profile pic…First real-life meeting

Thu, 09 Feb 2012 12:19:08 -0500

Online dating profile pic…First real-life meeting

I don't do weekends. Sober.

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:07:43 -0500

Dumbledore: What are you working on?
Me: Well, it's 6:02 on Friday night, so I was actually working on getting the fuck out of here.
Dumbledore: Are you going to be somewhere close by tomorrow?
Me: -____________-
Dumbledore: Gimme your cell phone. I doubt I'll have you come in, but just in case.
Me: Grrrreeeaaaaaaat. I'll definitely be close by. But I may be drunk.
Dumbledore: On a Saturday morning?
Me: That's just how I roll.

Don't we have an office policy in place for this?

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:28:17 -0500

I’m just sitting in my office this morning, and suddenly I hear a high-pitched “Noooooooooooo.” My first thought was that the building was going down (wishful thinking). But then I see a child lying face-down in my doorway.

So I do what any rational person would do: I pick the child up by the armpits, walk out into the hallway, and shout, “Does this belong to anyone?”

Finding no takers, I put the child in the Lost and Found bin, and returned to reading the “news” on perezhilton.

So does this mean I can get worker's comp?

Wed, 01 Feb 2012 11:55:37 -0500

Dumbledore: Where were you?
Me: At the eye doctor.
Dumbledore: Really? What's wrong?
Me: Oh, I have this pain behind my right eye.
Dumbledore: I bet the "pain" is Voldemort.
Me: True. But they don't make eye drops for that.

"Geez. If ONE MORE PERSON calls me a conceited stuck up bitch today…"

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 17:26:19 -0500

“Geez. If ONE MORE PERSON calls me a conceited stuck up bitch today…”

- GossipGirlOnBlast to self.

Related: My haters are my motivaters.

Also related: This.