Gossip Girl On Blast

Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of D.C.'s elite.

Hood Ornithology

  • Akon: you're what they call in the hood a bird
  • Me: a stool pigeon
  • Me: haha. actually i think i'm more of a mocking bird
  • Akon: what am I?
  • Me: a canary
  • Akon: fuck you
  • Me: ROFL you're a lovebird obvi. everyone knows that
  • Me: so in touch with your emoshuns
  • Akon: you have no idea how dangerous I am
  • Me: yes, your wit cuts like a knife. lucky for me, i carry a STREETSWEEPER

Chatz with Fwendz: Spelling Lessons

  • Me: agree or disagree?
  • Jamal: agree
  • Jamal: but not that aggregious
  • Jamal: eggregious
  • Me: egregious*
  • Jamal: i was getting therre
  • Jamal: there
  • Me: thurr*
  • Jamal: whateva

Lindsay Lohan makes me loathe myself more than I loathe Lindsay Lohan

  • Ned: can you believe lohan dodged jail again. i hate her!
  • Ned: but i want to see her playboy pics
  • Me: i do too :-/

Smurf Couture

This bitch.  So, today this 60-year old young woman is wearing:

  • A tight-fitting blue tie-dye t-shirt;
  • Pleated white school girl skirt;
  • Blue tights; and
  • Something similar to this on her feet:


That's what you get for tryna be cyoot

  • Me: Why aren't you wearing jeans today?
  • Wiccan: I went for the Halloween costume option.
  • Me: O rry. So what are you supposed to be?
  • Wiccan: Someone who actually gives a shit about my work.
  • [Voldemort walks by wearing jeans.]
  • [Dumbledore walks by wearing jeans.]
  • Me: Well, I guess you're the only one.


Spotted: 60+ year young woman wearing a thigh-high denim dress with a full skirt, opaque white tights, and 5” heel white ankle boots.

A visual?  It’s a little bit like this:


Today in Misadventures in Technologically Iliterate Parent-Child Chatting

  • Gossip Mother: I received a mag from [your school], do you want?
  • Me: um...no
  • Gossip Mother: But you luv that place.
  • Me: -___________-
  • Gossip Mother: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
  • Me: mom, thats an azn face, not a dick HERRO
  • Gossip Mother: um, hmmm.

I don’t really need the details. I might read these emails later when I have a beer in my hand. But otherwise, you just tell me if you need me to get involved. Hopefully never.

—Dumbledore, my other boss, to me.  Lurves him.