Ever since my ex-boyfriend slash stalker slash aspiring serial killer has reinserted himself into my lyfe, I’ve felt the need to add the following caveat whenever I make plans: “If I’m not dead.”
For example, “Yes! I’d love to go to dinner with you at Chez Pierre on Thursday, if I’m not dead.”
Or, “Oh, sorry. I can’t go to the movies with you Saturday night because I already have plans to go to a lounge, if I’m not dead.”
Always a stickler for etiquette, I would just die if one of my companions thought I had stood them up.
- Stage lights rise. Dumbledore sits behind a desk covered in balled-up tissues, coughing loudly. Various half-empty bottles containing cold remedies are on the ledge behind him. He takes a tissue out of the box and forcefully blows his nose.
- GossipGirlOnBlast enters stage right, holding a piece of paper.
- Me: Here you go, Dumbledore.
- Dumbledore: (murmuring) Thank you.
- Dumbledore lurches over his desk in a coughing fit that lasts several seconds. GossipGirlOnBlast removes a pair of latex gloves from her back pocket and puts them on.
- Me: Now, may I have that paper back please.
- Dumbledore looks up at GossipGirlOnBlast with surprised, bloodshot eyes.
- Dumbledore: Why?
- Me: That's Voldemort's copy.
- Dumbeldore smiles weakly and hands GossipGirlOnBlast the piece of paper. GossipGirlOnBlast exits stage right, skipping.
- Dumbledore: God speed, my child. God speed.
- Voldemort enters stage left, enveloped by a black mist. Swirling his cape and throwing it over his right shoulder he speaks...
- Voldemort: You're taking way too long on this project! This isn't some intellectual exercise that you can just take your time with to explore!
- GossipGirlOnBlast raises her head and looks at Voldemort, petulantly. She lifts her teacup off of its saucer, takes a sip, and replaces it.
- Me: I understand. And you have my assurances that I have absolutely no intellectual curiosity about this project whatsoever.
- Voldemort: -_____________-
- Voldemort exits stage left, glowing red eyes just visible through the black mist.
- Akon: I just found out that theres a new STD out there that everyone's catching :(
- Me: Aids?
- Akon: No it's called feelings
- Me: ROROROR
- Me: Good thing I got inoculated
- Me: shit motherfucker fuck SHIT. that creepy old guy just invited himself to my dinner party
- Jorge: i thought that was the guy you wanted to have babies with
- Me: bish the only person i want to have babies with is prince harry
- Me: or really any prince
- Me: even the artist formerly known as prince would be acceptable
- Jorge: the fresh prince of bel air?
- Me: hell yes
- Me: his kids are super talented
- Me: $$$ MUNNIE $$$
Me (on phone): … And I was all like, ‘Don’t MAKE me stab the shit out of you, bitch!’
You freak out as soon as you see three marks on your shoulder and think a demon just marked you with the sign of the trinity!!!…
And then you realize it’s just an imprint from the seaming on the inside of your sweatshirt.
My prediction for the winna! Get ‘em gurr.
Please don’t make me kill any one of these people today.
Thank you, Jesus.
- Dumbledore: What are you working on?
- Me: Well, it's 6:02 on Friday night, so I was actually working on getting the fuck out of here.
- Dumbledore: Are you going to be somewhere close by tomorrow?
- Me: -____________-
- Dumbledore: Gimme your cell phone. I doubt I'll have you come in, but just in case.
- Me: Grrrreeeaaaaaaat. I'll definitely be close by. But I may be drunk.
- Dumbledore: On a Saturday morning?
- Me: That's just how I roll.
I’m just sitting in my office this morning, and suddenly I hear a high-pitched “Noooooooooooo.” My first thought was that the building was going down (wishful thinking). But then I see a child lying face-down in my doorway.
So I do what any rational person would do: I pick the child up by the armpits, walk out into the hallway, and shout, “Does this belong to anyone?”
Finding no takers, I put the child in the Lost and Found bin, and returned to reading the “news” on perezhilton.
- Dumbledore: Where were you?
- Me: At the eye doctor.
- Dumbledore: Really? What's wrong?
- Me: Oh, I have this pain behind my right eye.
- Dumbledore: I bet the "pain" is Voldemort.
- Me: True. But they don't make eye drops for that.
GossipGirlOnBlast to self.
Related: My haters are my motivaters.
Also related: This.
So maybe I did have just a piece of Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake for my lunch today. And?
Tell me why a 34-year old
man boy (a residual of the online dating thing) is coming at me for saying it’s a dealbreaker that he lives with his parents.
Today my online dating subscription is officially over, and I’ve decided not to renew. I have nothing against that particular site. In fact, I think a lot of good things have come out of it. I met my last boyfriend on that site. And he and I had some great times…until the night I had to call my doorman to forcibly remove him from the premises. (We had broken up by that point.)
But, I digress.
Certainly there are some well-known pitfalls to online dating. Like this. Or this. Unfortunately, these types of annoyances are prevalent. Even worse, many people fabricate their entire lives on these sites from their appearance to their marital status to their jobs (as if, in the event you decide to meet up IRL, you won’t notice they aren’t even remotely who they portrayed themselves to be). Yet these negatives aren’t enough to make me just give up on finding love.
What is enough to make me take a break for now is how the whole process made me feel about myself. I became too emotionally involved. At first it was a lot of fun. But then I started feeling deeply rejected when cute guys wouldn’t pay me any attention. Or, instead of feeling flattered, I would feel genuinely upset when guys I didn’t find attractive showed interest in me. I was taking it all too seriously, too personally, and it stopped being fun.
The reason I decided to try online dating was that I believed (and still do) that I would find better quality relationships than those I had with the
men boys I met through more conventional means, e.g. bars and parties. One person I met IRL dumped me at my friend’s wedding. Another cheated on me on Valentine’s Day. A third just stopped calling and then randomly sent me unsolicited pictures of his erect penis. True story.
So in the end I am back in the same place where I started. Alone, but still hopeful that I will find love someday (either online or not). And that’s not a bad place to be.
- Potential Suitor (PS): You're funny!
- PS: It's funny 'cuz I didn't think YOU could be funny. I mean with all the long emails we wrote back and forth to each other, I was just like 'Here we go. Another cat lady." Haha.
- Me: Well PS I'm full of surprises.
- Me: In fact, here's another one.
- Me: *CLICK*
So you know we have to see each other at work tomorrow, right?
Me: [Answering work phone] Hello, this is GossipGirlOnBlast!
Caller: Hello. I’m looking for GossipGirlOnBlast.
Me: Do you want to sign up for that seminar Voldemort asked us to go to, or should I?
The Witch: I’ll let you think about that question for a bit before I respond.
Me: You could have just said no.
The Witch: Well, what fun would that be?
And I was a natural.
- Akon: you're what they call in the hood a bird
- Me: a stool pigeon
- Me: haha. actually i think i'm more of a mocking bird
- Akon: what am I?
- Me: a canary
- Akon: fuck you
- Me: ROFL you're a lovebird obvi. everyone knows that
- Me: so in touch with your emoshuns
- Akon: you have no idea how dangerous I am
- Me: yes, your wit cuts like a knife. lucky for me, i carry a STREETSWEEPER
- Me: agree or disagree?
- Jamal: agree
- Jamal: but not that aggregious
- Jamal: eggregious
- Me: egregious*
- Jamal: i was getting therre
- Jamal: there
- Me: thurr*
- Jamal: whateva
Oh, right. The Witch got it for me.
- Ned: can you believe lohan dodged jail again. i hate her!
- Ned: but i want to see her playboy pics
- Me: i do too :-/
- Me: Why aren't you wearing jeans today?
- Wiccan: I went for the Halloween costume option.
- Me: O rry. So what are you supposed to be?
- Wiccan: Someone who actually gives a shit about my work.
- [Voldemort walks by wearing jeans.]
- [Dumbledore walks by wearing jeans.]
- Me: Well, I guess you're the only one.
Spotted: 60+ year young woman wearing a thigh-high denim dress with a full skirt, opaque white tights, and 5” heel white ankle boots.
A visual? It’s a little bit like this:
- Gossip Mother: I received a mag from [your school], do you want?
- Me: um...no
- Gossip Mother: But you luv that place.
- Me: -___________-
- Gossip Mother: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
- Me: mom, thats an azn face, not a dick HERRO
- Gossip Mother: um, hmmm.
- Voldemort: What time do you usually get to work in the morning?
- Me: 9...ish.
- Voldemort: -_________________-
- Me: -______________________________-
- Me: omaigah NEED that bag
- Akon: ok well tell me the nasty things you would do for it?
- Me: well first, i would reach DEEP....
- Akon: mm hmm
- Me: into my balenciaga for my wallet, pull out my CC, and swipe that shit HARD
- Akon: >:(
- Me: i have a project for us
- Me: we're going to increase our vocabulary!
- Jasper: cool
- Me: today's word from dictionary.com is inculcate. i'll attempt to use it in a sentence
- Me: being more experienced than i am, voldemort takes it upon himself to inculcate me about the intricacies of our job responsibilities
- Me: now you
- Jasper: during my skype sex date last night, my date inculcated me all night long
- Me: fml
- Ned: OMG....i had a crazy dream the other day...you were in it. it was a nightmare.
- Me: isn't every dream about me... -_____________-
- Ned: i was trying to kill a big spider with raid. and it wouldnt die
- Ned: and then it turned into a black cat. and i felt bad for raiding the cat
- Me: LOL
- Ned: and then you were there yelling at me
- Me: thats no dream hunnie
- Ned: and then you started talking about how great your new paint in your apt was
- Ned: but it was all dark and purple
- Ned: and i was like...ummm...yeah...its nice
- Ned: and then i tried to hook up with you and you said no. the end
- Me: sounds like a pretty accurate representation of our relationship
That is all.
Tiara, BGC N’Awlins.
- Me: /sigh. my mum doesn't understand how to use gchat
- Sam: is she technologically inclined?
- Me: no. but i try to gchat her and explain the concept to her in a language she understands
- Me: oh herro su su. herro! it me. most honorable eldest daughter. prease. rook nao. i spreak to you. it me!
- Sam: hmm
- Me: yeah, she still doesn't get it
- Me: So, not that it's any of my business, but what happened to Mike's wedding ring? I noticed he wasn't wearing it yesterday.
- Peter: [Comes closer] You wanna know the truth?
- Me: Uh oh...
- Peter: He just got too fat to wear it anymore.
- Me: LOL