February 2012
14 posts
You Guise..."Totes Amazeballs" cereal is now a... →
I CANT!…wait to dig in my spoon. Oink.
Chats with Fwendz: There's a vaccine for that
Akon: I just found out that theres a new STD out there that everyone's catching :(
Me: Aids?
Akon: No it's called feelings
Me: ROROROR
Me: Good thing I got inoculated
Chats with Fwendz: Motherhood is the new...
Me: shit motherfucker fuck SHIT. that creepy old guy just invited himself to my dinner party
Jorge: i thought that was the guy you wanted to have babies with
Me: bish the only person i want to have babies with is prince harry
Me: or really any prince
Me: even the artist formerly known as prince would be acceptable
Jorge: the fresh prince of bel air?
Me: hell yes
Me: his kids are super talented
Me: $$$ MUNNIE $$$
You picked the wrong time to walk into my office.
Me (on phone): … And I was all like, ‘Don’t MAKE me stab the shit out of you, bitch!’
Voldemort:
You know you've been watching too much Ghost...
You freak out as soon as you see three marks on your shoulder and think a demon just marked you with the sign of the trinity!!!…
And then you realize it’s just an imprint from the seaming on the inside of your sweatshirt.
TEAM KENYA!
My prediction for the winna! Get ‘em gurr.
Lord hear my prayer.
Please don’t make me kill any one of these people today.
Thank you, Jesus.
XOXO,
GossipGirlOnBlast
I don't do weekends. Sober.
Dumbledore: What are you working on?
Me: Well, it's 6:02 on Friday night, so I was actually working on getting the fuck out of here.
Dumbledore: Are you going to be somewhere close by tomorrow?
Me: -____________-
Dumbledore: Gimme your cell phone. I doubt I'll have you come in, but just in case.
Me: Grrrreeeaaaaaaat. I'll definitely be close by. But I may be drunk.
Dumbledore: On a Saturday morning?
Me: That's just how I roll.
Don't we have an office policy in place for this?
I’m just sitting in my office this morning, and suddenly I hear a high-pitched “Noooooooooooo.” My first thought was that the building was going down (wishful thinking). But then I see a child lying face-down in my doorway.
So I do what any rational person would do: I pick the child up by the armpits, walk out into the hallway, and shout, “Does this belong to...
So does this mean I can get worker's comp?
Dumbledore: Where were you?
Me: At the eye doctor.
Dumbledore: Really? What's wrong?
Me: Oh, I have this pain behind my right eye.
Dumbledore: I bet the "pain" is Voldemort.
Me: True. But they don't make eye drops for that.
January 2012
12 posts
“Geez. If ONE MORE PERSON calls me a conceited stuck up bitch today…”
– GossipGirlOnBlast to self.
Related: My haters are my motivaters.
Also related: This.
1 tag
A Balanced Diet
So maybe I did have just a piece of Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake for my lunch today. And?
"Superficial"
Tell me why a 34-year old man boy (a residual of the online dating thing) is coming at me for saying it’s a dealbreaker that he lives with his parents.
On why I let my online dating subscription...
Today my online dating subscription is officially over, and I’ve decided not to renew. I have nothing against that particular site. In fact, I think a lot of good things have come out of it. I met my last boyfriend on that site. And he and I had some great times…until the night I had to call my doorman to forcibly remove him from the premises. (We had broken up by that point.)
...
The evidence is mounting that I should just lay...
Potential Suitor (PS): You're funny!
PS: It's funny 'cuz I didn't think YOU could be funny. I mean with all the long emails we wrote back and forth to each other, I was just like 'Here we go. Another cat lady." Haha.
Me: Well PS I'm full of surprises.
Me: In fact, here's another one.
Me: *CLICK*
That awkward moment when a man who works in the...
So you know we have to see each other at work tomorrow, right?
I CANT!
Me: [Answering work phone] Hello, this is GossipGirlOnBlast!
Caller: Hello. I’m looking for GossipGirlOnBlast.
Me:
Please don't make me stab this witch.
Me: Do you want to sign up for that seminar Voldemort asked us to go to, or should I?
The Witch: I’ll let you think about that question for a bit before I respond.
Me: You could have just said no.
The Witch: Well, what fun would that be?
Me:
I did my first step-and-repeat last night!
And I was a natural.
Hood Ornithology
Akon: you're what they call in the hood a bird
Me: a stool pigeon
Me: haha. actually i think i'm more of a mocking bird
Akon: what am I?
Me: a canary
Akon: fuck you
Me: ROFL you're a lovebird obvi. everyone knows that
Me: so in touch with your emoshuns
Akon: you have no idea how dangerous I am
Me: yes, your wit cuts like a knife. lucky for me, i carry a STREETSWEEPER
November 2011
4 posts
Chatz with Fwendz: Spelling Lessons
Me: agree or disagree?
Jamal: agree
Jamal: but not that aggregious
Jamal: eggregious
Me: egregious*
Jamal: i was getting therre
Jamal: there
Me: thurr*
Jamal: whateva
Why is this latte making me so tired?
Oh, right. The Witch got it for me.
Lindsay Lohan makes me loathe myself more than I...
Ned: can you believe lohan dodged jail again. i hate her!
Ned: but i want to see her playboy pics
Me: i do too :-/
Smurf Couture
This bitch. So, today this 60-year old young woman is wearing:
A tight-fitting blue tie-dye t-shirt;
Pleated white school girl skirt;
Blue tights; and
Something similar to this on her feet:
Gurrrrrrrrr…..
October 2011
6 posts
2 tags
That's what you get for tryna be cyoot
Me: Why aren't you wearing jeans today?
Wiccan: I went for the Halloween costume option.
Me: O rry. So what are you supposed to be?
Wiccan: Someone who actually gives a shit about my work.
[Voldemort walks by wearing jeans.]
[Dumbledore walks by wearing jeans.]
Me: Well, I guess you're the only one.
Why?
Spotted: 60+ year young woman wearing a thigh-high denim dress with a full skirt, opaque white tights, and 5” heel white ankle boots.
A visual? It’s a little bit like this:
plus
Oh, you know, my whole LYFE is crashing down...
Today in Misadventures in Technologically...
Gossip Mother: I received a mag from [your school], do you want?
Me: um...no
Gossip Mother: But you luv that place.
Me: -___________-
Gossip Mother: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
Me: mom, thats an azn face, not a dick HERRO
Gossip Mother: um, hmmm.
“I don’t really need the details. I might read these emails later when I...”
– Dumbledore, my other boss, to me. Lurves him.
What you gon' do?
Voldemort: What time do you usually get to work in the morning?
Me: 9...ish.
Voldemort: -_________________-
Me: -______________________________-
September 2011
2 posts
Chats with fwendz: Fashion porn
Me: omaigah NEED that bag
Akon: ok well tell me the nasty things you would do for it?
Me: well first, i would reach DEEP....
Akon: mm hmm
Me: into my balenciaga for my wallet, pull out my CC, and swipe that shit HARD
Akon: >:(
2 tags
Chatz with fwendz: On self-improvement
Me: i have a project for us
Me: we're going to increase our vocabulary!
Jasper: cool
Me: today's word from dictionary.com is inculcate. i'll attempt to use it in a sentence
Me: being more experienced than i am, voldemort takes it upon himself to inculcate me about the intricacies of our job responsibilities
Me: now you
Jasper: during my skype sex date last night, my date inculcated me all night long
Me: fml
August 2011
20 posts
2 tags
THIS JUST IN: Gossipgirlonblast says, "I'm done...
2 tags
Chats with fwendz: Break out the dream dictionary
Ned: OMG....i had a crazy dream the other day...you were in it. it was a nightmare.
Me: isn't every dream about me... -_____________-
Ned: i was trying to kill a big spider with raid. and it wouldnt die
Ned: and then it turned into a black cat. and i felt bad for raiding the cat
Me: LOL
Ned: and then you were there yelling at me
Me: thats no dream hunnie
Ned: and then you started talking about how great your new paint in your apt was
Ned: but it was all dark and purple
Ned: and i was like...ummm...yeah...its nice
Ned: and then i tried to hook up with you and you said no. the end
Me: sounds like a pretty accurate representation of our relationship
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?
That is all.
“My motto is, you thought you were the shit…until I walked into the room.”
– Tiara, BGC N’Awlins.
GPOY.
3 tags
Chatz with fwendz: On parents using technology
Me: /sigh. my mum doesn't understand how to use gchat
Sam: is she technologically inclined?
Me: no. but i try to gchat her and explain the concept to her in a language she understands
Me: oh herro su su. herro! it me. most honorable eldest daughter. prease. rook nao. i spreak to you. it me!
Sam: hmm
Me: yeah, she still doesn't get it
Chatz with fwendz: Expecting the worst
Me: So, not that it's any of my business, but what happened to Mike's wedding ring? I noticed he wasn't wearing it yesterday.
Peter: [Comes closer] You wanna know the truth?
Me: Uh oh...
Peter: He just got too fat to wear it anymore.
Me: LOL
1 tag
Chatz with fwendz: Keeping it professional
Me: /sigh. ok, i'm gonna go prep for my presentation now
Josh: twerk it
Me: that's the grand finale
1 tag
Gossip Girl's Dating Tips
If you want to vomit when you see your date with his clothes on, there’s a high probability that you will actually vomit when you see your date with his clothes off.
1 tag
Doodles I read over people's shoulders during a...
“Christina!”
“Ahhhhhhh, real monsters”
“Only 1:17?!”
“Suicide.”
1 tag
Chats with fwendz: Getting in touch with your...
Ashton: i think theres a little girl still inside of you who wouldnt mind sitting on my lap or dancing on a crowded street, or playing dress up (ok sitting on my lap is really for me)
Me: i think the little girl inside of me just wants to twerk it