Gossip Girl On Blast

Ever since my ex-boyfriend slash stalker slash aspiring serial killer has reinserted himself into my lyfe, I’ve felt the need to add the following caveat whenever I make plans: “If I’m not dead.”

For example, “Yes!  I’d love to go to dinner with you at Chez Pierre on Thursday, if I’m not dead.”

Or, “Oh, sorry.  I can’t go to the movies with you Saturday night because I already have plans to go to a lounge, if I’m not dead.”

Always a stickler for etiquette, I would just die if one of my companions thought I had stood them up. 

Me (on phone): … And I was all like, ‘Don’t MAKE me stab the shit out of you, bitch!’

Voldemort:

You freak out as soon as you see three marks on your shoulder and think a demon just marked you with the sign of the trinity!!!…

And then you realize it’s just an imprint from the seaming on the inside of your sweatshirt.

My prediction for the winna!  Get ‘em gurr.

Please don’t make me kill any one of these people today. 

Thank you, Jesus.

XOXO,

GossipGirlOnBlast

I’m just sitting in my office this morning, and suddenly I hear a high-pitched “Noooooooooooo.”  My first thought was that the building was going down (wishful thinking).  But then I see a child lying face-down in my doorway.

So I do what any rational person would do: I pick the child up by the armpits, walk out into the hallway, and shout, “Does this belong to anyone?”

Finding no takers, I put the child in the Lost and Found bin, and returned to reading the “news” on perezhilton.

So maybe I did have just a piece of Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake for my lunch today.  And?

Tell me why a 34-year old man boy (a residual of the online dating thing) is coming at me for saying it’s a dealbreaker that he lives with his parents.

Today my online dating subscription is officially over, and I’ve decided not to renew.  I have nothing against that particular site.  In fact, I think a lot of good things have come out of it.  I met my last boyfriend on that site.  And he and I had some great times…until the night I had to call my doorman to forcibly remove him from the premises.  (We had broken up by that point.)

But, I digress.

Certainly there are some well-known pitfalls to online dating.  Like this.  Or this.  Unfortunately, these types of annoyances are prevalent.  Even worse, many people fabricate their entire lives on these sites from their appearance to their marital status to their jobs (as if, in the event you decide to meet up IRL, you won’t notice they aren’t even remotely who they portrayed themselves to be).  Yet these negatives aren’t enough to make me just give up on finding love.

What is enough to make me take a break for now is how the whole process made me feel about myself.  I became too emotionally involved.  At first it was a lot of fun.  But then I started feeling deeply rejected when cute guys wouldn’t pay me any attention.  Or, instead of feeling flattered, I would feel genuinely upset when guys I didn’t find attractive showed interest in me.  I was taking it all too seriously, too personally, and it stopped being fun.    

The reason I decided to try online dating was that I believed (and still do) that I would find better quality relationships than those I had with the men boys I met through more conventional means, e.g. bars and parties.  One person I met IRL dumped me at my friend’s wedding.  Another cheated on me on Valentine’s Day.  A third just stopped calling and then randomly sent me unsolicited pictures of his erect penis.  True story.  

So in the end I am back in the same place where I started.  Alone, but still hopeful that I will find love someday (either online or not).  And that’s not a bad place to be. 

So you know we have to see each other at work tomorrow, right?

Me: [Answering work phone] Hello, this is GossipGirlOnBlast!

Caller: Hello.  I’m looking for GossipGirlOnBlast.

Me:

Me: Do you want to sign up for that seminar Voldemort asked us to go to, or should I?

The Witch: I’ll let you think about that question for a bit before I respond.

Me: You could have just said no.

The Witch: Well, what fun would that be?

Me:

And I was a natural.

Oh, right.  The Witch got it for me.

This bitch.  So, today this 60-year old young woman is wearing:

• A tight-fitting blue tie-dye t-shirt;
• Pleated white school girl skirt;
• Blue tights; and
• Something similar to this on her feet:

Gurrrrrrrrr…..

Spotted: 60+ year young woman wearing a thigh-high denim dress with a full skirt, opaque white tights, and 5” heel white ankle boots.

A visual?  It’s a little bit like this:

That is all.