Gossip Girl On Blast

Month

March 2012

1 post

I am more sorry than you know that I happened to be eating my lunch when I saw this picture. → cocoperez.com
Mar 7, 2012

February 2012

18 posts

“Things are going to get hard. It’s called LYFE.” —Myself, just now, giving myself some tough love.
Feb 29, 20121 note
Miss Manners on Murder

Ever since my ex-boyfriend slash stalker slash aspiring serial killer has reinserted himself into my lyfe, I’ve felt the need to add the following caveat whenever I make plans: “If I’m not dead.”

For example, “Yes!  I’d love to go to dinner with you at Chez Pierre on Thursday, if I’m not dead.”

Or, “Oh, sorry.  I can’t go to the movies with you Saturday night because I already have plans to go to a lounge, if I’m not dead.”

Always a stickler for etiquette, I would just die if one of my companions thought I had stood them up. 

Feb 29, 20121 note
Scenes From My Office, Act Two
  • Stage lights rise. Dumbledore sits behind a desk covered in balled-up tissues, coughing loudly. Various half-empty bottles containing cold remedies are on the ledge behind him. He takes a tissue out of the box and forcefully blows his nose.
  • GossipGirlOnBlast enters stage right, holding a piece of paper.
  • Me: Here you go, Dumbledore.
  • Dumbledore: (murmuring) Thank you.
  • Dumbledore lurches over his desk in a coughing fit that lasts several seconds. GossipGirlOnBlast removes a pair of latex gloves from her back pocket and puts them on.
  • Me: Now, may I have that paper back please.
  • Dumbledore looks up at GossipGirlOnBlast with surprised, bloodshot eyes.
  • Dumbledore: Why?
  • Me: That's Voldemort's copy.
  • Dumbeldore smiles weakly and hands GossipGirlOnBlast the piece of paper. GossipGirlOnBlast exits stage right, skipping.
  • Dumbledore: God speed, my child. God speed.
Feb 24, 20123 notes
Scenes From My Office, Act One
  • Voldemort enters stage left, enveloped by a black mist. Swirling his cape and throwing it over his right shoulder he speaks...
  • Voldemort: You're taking way too long on this project! This isn't some intellectual exercise that you can just take your time with to explore!
  • GossipGirlOnBlast raises her head and looks at Voldemort, petulantly. She lifts her teacup off of its saucer, takes a sip, and replaces it.
  • Me: I understand. And you have my assurances that I have absolutely no intellectual curiosity about this project whatsoever.
  • Voldemort: -_____________-
  • Voldemort exits stage left, glowing red eyes just visible through the black mist.
Feb 24, 20125 notes
You Guise..."Totes Amazeballs" cereal is now a reality! → huffingtonpost.com

I CANT!…wait to dig in my spoon.  Oink.

Feb 23, 2012
Chats with Fwendz: There's a vaccine for that
  • Akon: I just found out that theres a new STD out there that everyone's catching :(
  • Me: Aids?
  • Akon: No it's called feelings
  • Me: ROROROR
  • Me: Good thing I got inoculated
Feb 22, 20121 note
Chats with Fwendz: Motherhood is the new prostitution
  • Me: shit motherfucker fuck SHIT. that creepy old guy just invited himself to my dinner party
  • Jorge: i thought that was the guy you wanted to have babies with
  • Me: bish the only person i want to have babies with is prince harry
  • Me: or really any prince
  • Me: even the artist formerly known as prince would be acceptable
  • Jorge: the fresh prince of bel air?
  • Me: hell yes
  • Me: his kids are super talented
  • Me: $$$ MUNNIE $$$
Feb 22, 20121 note
You picked the wrong time to walk into my office.

Me (on phone): … And I was all like, ‘Don’t MAKE me stab the shit out of you, bitch!’

Voldemort:

 

image

Feb 14, 20121 note
Feb 14, 201214 notes
You know you've been watching too much Ghost Adventures when...

You freak out as soon as you see three marks on your shoulder and think a demon just marked you with the sign of the trinity!!!…

And then you realize it’s just an imprint from the seaming on the inside of your sweatshirt.

Feb 13, 2012
TEAM KENYA!

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My prediction for the winna!  Get ‘em gurr.

Feb 11, 2012
Feb 11, 2012
Feb 11, 2012409 notes
Lord hear my prayer.

Please don’t make me kill any one of these people today. 

Thank you, Jesus.

XOXO,

GossipGirlOnBlast

Feb 10, 20121 note
Feb 9, 201257,992 notes
I don't do weekends. Sober.
  • Dumbledore: What are you working on?
  • Me: Well, it's 6:02 on Friday night, so I was actually working on getting the fuck out of here.
  • Dumbledore: Are you going to be somewhere close by tomorrow?
  • Me: -____________-
  • Dumbledore: Gimme your cell phone. I doubt I'll have you come in, but just in case.
  • Me: Grrrreeeaaaaaaat. I'll definitely be close by. But I may be drunk.
  • Dumbledore: On a Saturday morning?
  • Me: That's just how I roll.
Feb 3, 20121 note
Don't we have an office policy in place for this?

I’m just sitting in my office this morning, and suddenly I hear a high-pitched “Noooooooooooo.”  My first thought was that the building was going down (wishful thinking).  But then I see a child lying face-down in my doorway.

So I do what any rational person would do: I pick the child up by the armpits, walk out into the hallway, and shout, “Does this belong to anyone?”

Finding no takers, I put the child in the Lost and Found bin, and returned to reading the “news” on perezhilton.

Feb 3, 20121 note
So does this mean I can get worker's comp?
  • Dumbledore: Where were you?
  • Me: At the eye doctor.
  • Dumbledore: Really? What's wrong?
  • Me: Oh, I have this pain behind my right eye.
  • Dumbledore: I bet the "pain" is Voldemort.
  • Me: True. But they don't make eye drops for that.
Feb 1, 20122 notes

January 2012

12 posts

“Geez. If ONE MORE PERSON calls me a conceited stuck up bitch today…” —

GossipGirlOnBlast to self.

Related: My haters are my motivaters.

Also related: This.

Jan 31, 20121 note
A Balanced Diet

So maybe I did have just a piece of Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake for my lunch today.  And?

Jan 30, 20122 notes
#keep ma nourishment firrrss
Play
Jan 25, 20122 notes
"Superficial"

Tell me why a 34-year old man boy (a residual of the online dating thing) is coming at me for saying it’s a dealbreaker that he lives with his parents.

Jan 25, 20124 notes
On why I let my online dating subscription lapse...for now

Today my online dating subscription is officially over, and I’ve decided not to renew.  I have nothing against that particular site.  In fact, I think a lot of good things have come out of it.  I met my last boyfriend on that site.  And he and I had some great times…until the night I had to call my doorman to forcibly remove him from the premises.  (We had broken up by that point.)

But, I digress.

Certainly there are some well-known pitfalls to online dating.  Like this.  Or this.  Unfortunately, these types of annoyances are prevalent.  Even worse, many people fabricate their entire lives on these sites from their appearance to their marital status to their jobs (as if, in the event you decide to meet up IRL, you won’t notice they aren’t even remotely who they portrayed themselves to be).  Yet these negatives aren’t enough to make me just give up on finding love.

What is enough to make me take a break for now is how the whole process made me feel about myself.  I became too emotionally involved.  At first it was a lot of fun.  But then I started feeling deeply rejected when cute guys wouldn’t pay me any attention.  Or, instead of feeling flattered, I would feel genuinely upset when guys I didn’t find attractive showed interest in me.  I was taking it all too seriously, too personally, and it stopped being fun.    

The reason I decided to try online dating was that I believed (and still do) that I would find better quality relationships than those I had with the men boys I met through more conventional means, e.g. bars and parties.  One person I met IRL dumped me at my friend’s wedding.  Another cheated on me on Valentine’s Day.  A third just stopped calling and then randomly sent me unsolicited pictures of his erect penis.  True story.  

So in the end I am back in the same place where I started.  Alone, but still hopeful that I will find love someday (either online or not).  And that’s not a bad place to be. 

Jan 24, 20122 notes
Jan 23, 20122 notes
The evidence is mounting that I should just lay down and give up.
  • Potential Suitor (PS): You're funny!
  • PS: It's funny 'cuz I didn't think YOU could be funny. I mean with all the long emails we wrote back and forth to each other, I was just like 'Here we go. Another cat lady." Haha.
  • Me: Well PS I'm full of surprises.
  • Me: In fact, here's another one.
  • Me: *CLICK*
Jan 23, 20123 notes
That awkward moment when a man who works in the mailroom at your company makes contact with you on a dating website.

image

So you know we have to see each other at work tomorrow, right?

Jan 22, 20122 notes
I CANT!

Me: [Answering work phone] Hello, this is GossipGirlOnBlast!

Caller: Hello.  I’m looking for GossipGirlOnBlast.

Me:

image

Jan 17, 20123 notes
Please don't make me stab this witch.

Me: Do you want to sign up for that seminar Voldemort asked us to go to, or should I?

The Witch: I’ll let you think about that question for a bit before I respond.

Me: You could have just said no.

The Witch: Well, what fun would that be?

Me:

image


Jan 17, 20123 notes
I did my first step-and-repeat last night!

And I was a natural.

image

Jan 16, 20122 notes
Hood Ornithology
  • Akon: you're what they call in the hood a bird
  • Me: a stool pigeon
  • Me: haha. actually i think i'm more of a mocking bird
  • Akon: what am I?
  • Me: a canary
  • Akon: fuck you
  • Me: ROFL you're a lovebird obvi. everyone knows that
  • Me: so in touch with your emoshuns
  • Akon: you have no idea how dangerous I am
  • Me: yes, your wit cuts like a knife. lucky for me, i carry a STREETSWEEPER
Jan 10, 20123 notes

November 2011

4 posts

Chatz with Fwendz: Spelling Lessons
  • Me: agree or disagree?
  • Jamal: agree
  • Jamal: but not that aggregious
  • Jamal: eggregious
  • Me: egregious*
  • Jamal: i was getting therre
  • Jamal: there
  • Me: thurr*
  • Jamal: whateva
Nov 30, 20114 notes
Why is this latte making me so tired?

Oh, right.  The Witch got it for me.

image

Nov 7, 20112 notes
Lindsay Lohan makes me loathe myself more than I loathe Lindsay Lohan
  • Ned: can you believe lohan dodged jail again. i hate her!
  • Ned: but i want to see her playboy pics
  • Me: i do too :-/
Nov 4, 20115 notes
Smurf Couture

This bitch.  So, today this 60-year old young woman is wearing:

  • A tight-fitting blue tie-dye t-shirt;
  • Pleated white school girl skirt;
  • Blue tights; and
  • Something similar to this on her feet:

image

Gurrrrrrrrr…..

image

Nov 4, 20115 notes

October 2011

6 posts

That's what you get for tryna be cyoot
  • Me: Why aren't you wearing jeans today?
  • Wiccan: I went for the Halloween costume option.
  • Me: O rry. So what are you supposed to be?
  • Wiccan: Someone who actually gives a shit about my work.
  • [Voldemort walks by wearing jeans.]
  • [Dumbledore walks by wearing jeans.]
  • Me: Well, I guess you're the only one.
Oct 28, 20114 notes
#snap and turn #crash and burn
Why?

Spotted: 60+ year young woman wearing a thigh-high denim dress with a full skirt, opaque white tights, and 5” heel white ankle boots.

A visual?  It’s a little bit like this:

image

plus 

image

Oct 21, 20116 notes
Oh, you know, my whole LYFE is crashing down around me. No big deal.

image

Oct 14, 20114 notes
Today in Misadventures in Technologically Iliterate Parent-Child Chatting
  • Gossip Mother: I received a mag from [your school], do you want?
  • Me: um...no
  • Gossip Mother: But you luv that place.
  • Me: -___________-
  • Gossip Mother: I BEG YOUR PARDON!
  • Me: mom, thats an azn face, not a dick HERRO
  • Gossip Mother: um, hmmm.
Oct 12, 20114 notes
“I don’t really need the details. I might read these emails later when I have a beer in my hand. But otherwise, you just tell me if you need me to get involved. Hopefully never.” —Dumbledore, my other boss, to me.  Lurves him.
Oct 7, 20114 notes
What you gon' do?
  • Voldemort: What time do you usually get to work in the morning?
  • Me: 9...ish.
  • Voldemort: -_________________-
  • Me: -______________________________-
Oct 7, 20114 notes

September 2011

2 posts

Chats with fwendz: Fashion porn
  • Me: omaigah NEED that bag
  • Akon: ok well tell me the nasty things you would do for it?
  • Me: well first, i would reach DEEP....
  • Akon: mm hmm
  • Me: into my balenciaga for my wallet, pull out my CC, and swipe that shit HARD
  • Akon: >:(
Sep 23, 20112 notes
Chatz with fwendz: On self-improvement
  • Me: i have a project for us
  • Me: we're going to increase our vocabulary!
  • Jasper: cool
  • Me: today's word from dictionary.com is inculcate. i'll attempt to use it in a sentence
  • Me: being more experienced than i am, voldemort takes it upon himself to inculcate me about the intricacies of our job responsibilities
  • Me: now you
  • Jasper: during my skype sex date last night, my date inculcated me all night long
  • Me: fml
Sep 8, 20113 notes
#it's like when cher tried to teach tai vocabulary gone wrong #rry wrong

August 2011

20 posts

THIS JUST IN: Gossipgirlonblast says, "I'm done with LYFE!"

image

Aug 31, 20112 notes
#bad feewingz are bad #why is it just so hard to be happy?
Aug 27, 201130,442 notes
#i CANT #ROROROR
Chats with fwendz: Break out the dream dictionary
  • Ned: OMG....i had a crazy dream the other day...you were in it. it was a nightmare.
  • Me: isn't every dream about me... -_____________-
  • Ned: i was trying to kill a big spider with raid. and it wouldnt die
  • Ned: and then it turned into a black cat. and i felt bad for raiding the cat
  • Me: LOL
  • Ned: and then you were there yelling at me
  • Me: thats no dream hunnie
  • Ned: and then you started talking about how great your new paint in your apt was
  • Ned: but it was all dark and purple
  • Ned: and i was like...ummm...yeah...its nice
  • Ned: and then i tried to hook up with you and you said no. the end
  • Me: sounds like a pretty accurate representation of our relationship
Aug 27, 20111 note
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?

That is all.

Aug 26, 20111 note
“My motto is, you thought you were the shit…until I walked into the room.” —

Tiara, BGC N’Awlins.

GPOY.

Aug 15, 20111 note
Chatz with fwendz: On parents using technology
  • Me: /sigh. my mum doesn't understand how to use gchat
  • Sam: is she technologically inclined?
  • Me: no. but i try to gchat her and explain the concept to her in a language she understands
  • Me: oh herro su su. herro! it me. most honorable eldest daughter. prease. rook nao. i spreak to you. it me!
  • Sam: hmm
  • Me: yeah, she still doesn't get it
Aug 11, 20111 note
#it aint lacist #im azn #ish
Chatz with fwendz: Expecting the worst
  • Me: So, not that it's any of my business, but what happened to Mike's wedding ring? I noticed he wasn't wearing it yesterday.
  • Peter: [Comes closer] You wanna know the truth?
  • Me: Uh oh...
  • Peter: He just got too fat to wear it anymore.
  • Me: LOL
Aug 10, 20111 note
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